i took him to where a bachelor party was supposed to be. They were not there. a quick phone call and they’d migrated to a hotel across the river. Now we need gas and he wants a snack. And I almost hit someone on the highway. I’m not okay. I’m trying to pass for okay because I want him to have fun tonight.
As he gets out of the car, he has concern. Please drive safely, maybe take a few minutes to breath before you start driving. I nod my head, blinking tears back. And off he goes. And I let go, crying bawling wailing in the car in the hotel parking lot.
I see figures walking around the loop, some time later. I don’t know how long I sat there. It’s him, and a friend. Most of the group left to get liquor so he’s killing time. And now I feel exposed because I didn’t want to be seen. Not like this.
But he sees me and he knows and he hugs me and is happy I’m not driving yet. And his support calms me enough that I can drive home.
The things I am dealing with right now, with his command, would be challenging for anybody. Any wife I know would be crying all the time just as I am. It’s a brutal and unending thing. I know it will end but some days some weeks it does not at all feel that way.
He left his phone at the gym but I know who to call if I need to find him. I hate not knowing when he will be home. I never sleep well. Today I have flexiril and I will take a normal dose instead of my normal half pill. Hopefully I can get some sleep.
On a positive note: I made butter chicken curry and he loved it. That sort of approval for a meal is rare so it was pretty awesome. And the house smells fantastic.