i had a superb weekend. he was home both days, we did all sorts of things in and out of the house.
i start to wonder if my bad bad days are related to his duty weekends. Already he works 3/4 of his days 715 - 1600, then from 1800 - 2000. Sometimes he never gets those two hours off. And every fourth day he works 6am - 6am, rolling over to the next work day before coming home.
Every few weeks this pans out to being him at work Monday through Saturday, off on Sunday and then Monday through Friday and back to work the next week Sunday through Friday. It’s awful, he’s so tired and the few hours he is home can hardly be called quality.
but then it breaks. he gets a few weekends off and we relax and enjoy the days together, especially now that the weather is acting like spring almost. And my mood lifts.
I know there’s a lot going on. I’m getting anxious about him being home after baby, and all the things I need him to do before that. The crap he is dealing with at work would be insanely stressful for any wife, so I have to keep that in mind.
It’s not that I am weak or overly emotional, it is that what we’re going through would never stand in the civilian world. And we are keeping it together, not giving up.
The cob who has put him in this hole and kept him there will be transferring to his replacement this week. I hope beyond hope that this will usher changes.
I don’t like degrading or objectifying language. And though I have a lot of years under my kink and power exchange belt, it’s only recently I’ve come to realize that I don’t have to like it. I don’t have to like it, and I don’t have to accept it as part of my personal relationship dynamic. It, like anything we do, should not be an automatic expectation in a D/s relationship.
Some people love it, possibly even need it, to step outside themselves and accept and embrace a side of their sexuality they wouldn’t otherwise be able to access. The ‘nasty bitch,’ the ‘cum slut,’ the ‘worthless whore’ - those are the words that set them free, that allow a much needed release from self. I think a lot of Dominants use those terms, not with the intent to degrade per se (though some do), but as a lifeline or transformation tool. They’re handing you a gift that says, ‘Now that you’re ‘a whore’ you can be what we both need you to be - right now, in this moment. My words create that freedom for you.’ Some people need it and are grateful.
I do not.
But I understand it. And I’m guilty of it, too. Look at my own blog description! “A total fucking whore by night…” Do I take money for sex? Of course not. (Unless you count dinner… haha) It’s a catchword, a symbol, an identifier of someone who is able to step outside the ‘norm’ and be the person people fantasize about: carefree and wild, with a healthy sexual appetite and few inhibitions.
The problem is that degrading or derogatory language has become widely accepted as the norm, as an acceptable way to talk to or address a submissive. I’ve asked/told numerous Dominants, many I know and respect, to please not address or refer to me in that way. Most are lovely, and accepting, and respectful, and never do it again. But some respond quite aggressively, which always stuns. Is it embarrassment? Because I know these men; they are diligent in their stance on negotiation and consent. So why get upset when I deny consent for name-calling? Has derogatory language become so kink mainstream that it is now assumed to be the norm – by those who know better than to assume?
I can differentiate between ‘a ___’ and ‘My ___’ (fill in with the moniker of your choice), and I have no issue with those who address their partners as such. If it makes you happy, it makes me happy! And, contrary to what you might think based on this writing, I’ve been someone’s ‘little slut’ - many times. But context matters. The relationship matters. Please do not assume that because your last five submissives purred when called a ‘pet’ name, your next one will as well.
I don’t need those words to transport me to a place where it’s okay to be a wet, sloppy, drooling, crying, squirting, mewling mess. I don’t need to separate from myself to be in that place. Intrigue me… excite me. If you can capture my mind with yours… I’m there. In fact, I’m incredibly turned off by degrading language. Saddened. Sometimes angered. I don’t need to be a ‘stupid slut’ to enjoy my sexuality. I don’t need to be a ‘bitch’ to behave, sexually, in a way that makes me, and you, happy. I am a who, not a what. I am not a whore, I am not (usually) a bitch, and I have an incredible amount of worth – or you probably wouldn’t be with me in the first place, correct?
So don’t call me names. I am myself - and what I hope you need me to be - without them.
i took him to where a bachelor party was supposed to be. They were not there. a quick phone call and they’d migrated to a hotel across the river. Now we need gas and he wants a snack. And I almost hit someone on the highway. I’m not okay. I’m trying to pass for okay because I want him to have fun tonight.
As he gets out of the car, he has concern. Please drive safely, maybe take a few minutes to breath before you start driving. I nod my head, blinking tears back. And off he goes. And I let go, crying bawling wailing in the car in the hotel parking lot.
I see figures walking around the loop, some time later. I don’t know how long I sat there. It’s him, and a friend. Most of the group left to get liquor so he’s killing time. And now I feel exposed because I didn’t want to be seen. Not like this.
But he sees me and he knows and he hugs me and is happy I’m not driving yet. And his support calms me enough that I can drive home.
The things I am dealing with right now, with his command, would be challenging for anybody. Any wife I know would be crying all the time just as I am. It’s a brutal and unending thing. I know it will end but some days some weeks it does not at all feel that way.
He left his phone at the gym but I know who to call if I need to find him. I hate not knowing when he will be home. I never sleep well. Today I have flexiril and I will take a normal dose instead of my normal half pill. Hopefully I can get some sleep.
On a positive note: I made butter chicken curry and he loved it. That sort of approval for a meal is rare so it was pretty awesome. And the house smells fantastic.
it felt like something twice as long. Long days long days long days LONGER days ugh. Also, heartburn that makes previous bouts a joke. And insomnia. And my hips are in excruciating pain for hours of every night.
Between two relationships, I get maybe an hour of quality time total daily. I’m starting to have, what’s the point, feelings with my ldr and I feel bad for them but they exist regardless.
sort of like, well we could let it go and it’d hardly be a change. Only the devastation and finality that I see waiting on the horizon anyway. On the other hand, it’s not like things are bad. More like, hibernating. More like, there are only so many hours in a week and I don’t know if anything I can do will cause more of them to be shared with me. I doubt it. So maybe I can just let it be, wait it out. I’ve already been doing that for months now.
I am feeling miserable and drowning my sorrows in cookies and milk. Near as I can tell, baby is a fan.
- Harry Potter: Tell us about a scar on your body
- Hermione Granger: What is your favorite book, how many times have you read it, and why do you love it?
- Ron Weasley: Something you're afraid of?
- Luna Lovegood: One thing that makes you different from everyone else.
- Fred Weasley: Can you do any magic tricks? What is the best one you can do? If you can't do any, what's the best one you've seen?
- George Weasley: What is the best prank you've ever played on someone?
- Neville Longbottom: Tell us an embarrassing story.
- Narcissa Malfoy: Do you have a good relationship with your family? Who are you closest to?
- Voldemort: If you were to create a Horcrux(s), what would it be and why?
- Bellatrix Lestrange: Have you ever loved someone who could never love you back?
- Ginny Weasley: Have you ever been in love with an unexpected person?
- Hedwig: If you went to Hogwarts, what kind of pet would you bring? (ex: cat, owl, rat, frog)
- Draco Malfoy: Is it better to be feared or to be loved?
- Rubeus Hagrid: What is your favorite mystical creature?
- Dolores Umbridge: Make a list of rules that your family (or whoever you choose) would have to follow if you made the rules.
- Lucius Malfoy: What is your most prized possession?
- Molly Weasley: What is the proudest moment of your life?
- Dobby: Who are you most loyal to?
- Sirius Black: Have you ever been accused of doing something you didn't do?
- Argus Filch: What's the worst job you've ever had?
- Dudley Dursley: How many presents do you usually receive on your birthday?
- Peter Pettigrew: Are you a leader or a follower?
- Cedric Diggory: Have you ever had a near death experience?
- Albus Dumbledore: What is the greatest obstacle you have ever overcome in your life?
- Minerva McGonagall: What is your favorite spell?
- Severus Snape: Are you a trustworthy person?
- Remus Lupin: If you transform into any one animal or creature, which one would it be?
- Uncle Vernon: What is your favorite day of the week?
- Mad Eye Moody: Who is the bravest person you know?
- Arthur Weasley: What do you think is the best "muggle" invention?
- Professor Sprout: What is your favourite class that is offered at Hogwarts?
- Nymphadora Tonks: If you could change one thing about your appearance what would it be?
- Moaning Mertile: What is something that always makes you cry?
- James Potter: Would you risk your life to save someone you truly love?
- Lily Potter: What color eyes do you have?
- Professor Trelawney: Have you ever dreamt something was going to happen and then it happened?
- Mr. Ollivander: What would your wand look like?
- Lavender Brown: Who is the last person who texted and have you ever had a crush on them?
- Cho Chang: If you were on the Quidditch team, what position would you play?
- Aunt Petunia: What is your favorite flower?